One day at a time....

I am sure a lot of you did not know....but I was recently pregnant and just experienced a miscarriage. As soon as we found out we were pregnant we were ECSTATIC as we started dreaming of our new family of four. I felt a little uneasy about spreading the news so only family and VERY few friends were told.

This week was my 12 week appointment and I almost couldn't sleep at night because I was SOO excited to start sharing our news. But Tuesday night (two days before my appointment) I started bleeding, it wasn't a lot, so after talking to some family and my DR I felt as if maybe everything would still be ok.. that is... until I woke up the next morning with lots of blood and clots. I can't write my feelings at this point. Besides pain, fear, and complete sadness...I felt numb. I had Logan call the Dr and tell them I needed to be fit in for an ultrasound and LUCKILY they were very accommodating and I left work early to go in. After an hour of waiting for the Dr, I felt as if I would faint at the possibility of losing this baby that had been such an miracle. When the ultrasound began I began to dream of all the possibilities that the blood meant no harm to my child. But then I saw it....or more importantly I didn't hear anything.

The Dr. then began to tell me that I was almost 13 weeks but the baby had passed at 10 1/2 weeks. Those words could not have sounded worse to me. In the most simple words I can think of, I completely LOST IT! My dreams began to turn dark and I struggled to listen as the Dr told me that I would probably need a D & C since it was so big.

My mind was RACING....how could this happen? why did I have to go through all the moodiness, sickness, zits and cravings, WITH no baby to look forward to? I just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible. As I walked out the door, I looked down at my belly and saw that my hand was subconsciously rubbing and comforting what used to be my sweet dream. Leaving the office I knew my pain was just beginning. How would I tell my sweet Logan?

The next 24 hours turned out to be the hardest thing WE have ever gone through. We struggled to connect together with the sadness. We struggled to understand why. We struggled at the thought of the future. And we struggled to find the light, that is SO important in our lives.

I went in for a D & C after work that day...and opted to go by myself. Kai's birth was such a miracle, there were happy tears, cheers and a sweet baby to hold. But I knew this was VERY different and I did not want Logan to remember the things I knew we would see that day. With lots of prayers coming our way, I know I was blessed through the surgery and now through the recovery. I am so thankful for Logan and Kai...i really can't even try to express how their hugs, smiles, and giggles can change my moments of weakness.

Now that the grieving process is in FULL force, we have good days and bad days. We have happy times and sad times. BUT we could never be more thankful for our dear families and my friend Holly who literally answered my texts at all hours when I was feeling I couldn't go any lower. WE LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH! Heavenly Father heals all wounds, and I know he will. Thankfully I have a testimony that my Savior knows EXACTLY what I am going through, and he is by me always.

I hope the prayers can continue and the light can continue to slip into our lives.

Mother Teresa says it best, "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much." But because of his trust I KNOW we will make it through.